


After the end

by Akira10



Series: Lost Memories [4]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Drama, M/M, Memory Loss, also the last one!, four part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-18 18:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11880768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akira10/pseuds/Akira10
Summary: Even if they were together, even if they were under the same roof, it was as if they were apart.One always looking and the other always hiding.Was their happinnes completely gone?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> And finally, the last part starts!
> 
> I know that some of you may hate me for this chapter, but it's one that I have wanted to do since the start, so bear with me! Next time Gin and Toshi will be back!

_**After the End** _

_**Part 1** _

_**How far he will go** _

* * *

 

His feet touching the floor without stopping, his phone going from one hand to the other, his eyes completely focused on the sleeping man in that horrible and cold hospital bed.

_Toshi…_ He lamented once again as he went to turn on the screen of his phone hoping to see a message, a lost call, anything that would show signs of Gintoki being alive.

But just as before, there was nothing there.

He knew well that Gintoki was ignoring him, ignoring Toshiro, ignoring that whole situation after leaving the hospital like that.

That was exactly what he couldn’t quite understand.

In moments like that… Shouldn’t you be next to the person you loved? Ready to support them? Even in a situation like that, in where everything was uncertain, the one that had to be there the most was Gintoki, not him.

_Come on, come on._ He stared at the empty screen for some more seconds until he finally gave up, and went back to looking at the sleeping man next to him.

But if he had to be honest, he couldn’t blame him completely either.

If the same thing happened to him if there was a possibility that Tae wouldn't remember him at all… He wasn't sure of what he would do in that kind of situation, but running away like that… He had to admit it didn't sound like a bad option.

But it was a really bittersweet one.

Leaving everything behind without even knowing what could happen…

_Come on Gintoki… Just answer me…_ He closed his eyes and held his phone tightly, hoping that at any minute he would get that message that it was never going to arrive.

* * *

He took a deep breath as the coffee kept on pouring in the little cup. _Hang in there Isao._ He kept on repeating to himself, but his eyes felt so, so heavy, same with his body; even walking back to the room was a hard thing to do.

But he couldn’t bring himself to go back to his house, or back to the police station; he couldn’t really bear with the thought of Toshiro waking up only to find himself alone in that room.

If it was in his power to at least make him feel more comfortable and not lonely, then that’s what he was going to do.

No matter how many days he was going to keep on skipping work, or how many days he has gone without sleeping or seeing Tae. More than anything else, he wanted to be his best friend strength.

Even if he couldn’t shake that feeling that the one that had to be Toshiro’s strength was someone else. 

After all those days of being ignored by Gintoki, he finally gave up on him coming back, and instead, that only gave him more strength to be in that hospital all day, ready to hold Toshiro’s hand if he wanted to get up, or lend him a shoulder in the case he needed to cry.

But not even with all that motivation he could be in his best condition.

Every day that Tae came to visit, he would only get scolding from her, always telling him how he seemed to be paler than the day before, how he should go back to sleep and get some food, how much she was worried by the fact that it seemed that he was going to catch a cold.

He knew well he shouldn’t make her worried, that she had the best intentions of all, but he couldn’t go back, not until he made sure that Toshiro was going to be perfectly fine without him, not until he could make sure that everything was perfect.

It was only going to take some more time, that’s what he told her, he promised her that he was going to take care of himself, he was an adult after all.

But standing in the hallway with only an energetic bar in his pocket and a coffee in his hand, he could already imagine how much she would scream at him if she saw him.

* * *

“You’re finally back, and the first thing you do is lock yourself in your studio?” Her voice came from the door making him jump a little. “Really, you need to rest Isao.”

"I'll get enough rest once he is discharged," he looked up just to find his wife walking to where he is, a really concerned expression on her face. "I promise you. I met with the doctor while I was leaving the hospital and he told me that Toshi is going to be discharged tomorrow, so don’t worry about me.” The fact that the doctor was the one hurrying him to leave was better off not known.

"Really?" She smiled relieved. "Those are some great news."

“They are!” He cheered as he was grabbing her hand and pulling her close to his desk. “Now, why don’t you help me a little bit?”

“What are you doing? I suppose that’s quite important since it managed to bring you home, huh?” She chuckled. “Maybe I should thank whatever it is for finally bringing my husband back?”

“You know I'm sorry..." Of course, he felt bad for neglecting her so much, but just as how she was worried for him it was the same for him with Toshiro, he just couldn't leave his friend alone, knowing that he was the only one that would be there for him. “I thought of taking some of our old albums to him, to see if he can remember something, or that at least he isn’t that lost with how things are now.”

“That’s not a bad idea.” She smiled and peeked over his shoulder only to stare at the picture that on top of the desk. “What are you going to do with those…?”

“Those…” He turned back to see the picture, only to find one with Gintoki and Toshiro drinking together while the first one was making funny faces. “I was planning on removing them.” He sighed. “I don’t want him to know about that by my mouth, I’m not the one that should tell him…”

“He still hasn’t answered?” He only shook his head and then she was sighing too. “That damn idiot…”

* * *

That day he woke up earlier than usual, tired than ever he got up from the uncomfortable chair in where he has been sleeping those past days and walked to the little table across the room.

In between yawns he opened one of the drawers and grabbed the pair of jeans inside, carefully he searched in of the pockets and got the single key that was inside.

One of his hands went to rub his eyes as he pulled the jeans back in the drawer and walked to the door, not without giving Toshiro a last glance and making sure he was peacefully sleeping.

The day before he told him he was going to arrive a little earlier than midday, just as how he has been doing the past days, but what his friend failed to notice was that he never leave the hospital.

Every day he told him he left when he went to sleep, but the only thing he did was lie his head to the corner of the bed and try to get some sleep, every day he told him he arrived early in the morning, but what he did was change his clothes in the bathroom and get some coffee from the hallway and come back.

But that day was going to be different, he wasn’t going to be there when Toshiro would wake up, but even if it pained him to not be there, he had a real mission that time.

Go back to his apartment and take everything with him that would make his relationship with Gintoki obvious for the man.

But he wasn’t aware of how much of a bad idea it was for him to go in that state, how much he would miss because he was being too ‘sleepy’ to see the little things, how that even if he managed to take their pictures, the little albums they had together.

It would be those little things that would make all of his efforts in hiding the truth to be in vain. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, just as promised, we're back with Gintoki and Hijikata!
> 
> See you all next week!

_**After the end** _   
_**Part 1** _   
_**What really happened** _

* * *

 

“I'll be there as soon as I can Kondo-san." And with that, he ended with the phone call with his boss.

His phone went back to his sweater pocket and a sigh left his lips while a hand ran through his hair. _Now what?_ How was he supposed to explain that to Gintoki? Why did it have to be on their anniversary from all days?!

_He is going to fucking kill me…_ He sighed once again as he started walking toward their room. _He is seriously going to kill me…_

From all days that they could have a reunion, from all the days… Why did it have to be on that day?!

“And the second year in a row to make it worse…" Last year he managed to just come out alive of their fight after canceling their date at last minute and to do it again this year… And even after he has already made the reservations at the restaurant and the hotel.

That wasn't going to end well, was it?

To think that from the 3 years they have been—officially—together, they have only celebrated their anniversary once… That really didn't bode well for him, and even more when those two times they weren't together was because of him.

“Shit.”

He was really looking forward to having a nice moment with his lover, hell, he knew, way too well that Gintoki was the one looking forward to it the most, even if he hasn't told him anything at all.

"He is going to kill me…" He stopped right at the door of their bedroom and breathe deeply. "Why today Kondo-san…" He couldn't fail Kondo no matter what, but that was really a hard choice.

Even if he had clear his answer from the very beginning.

He took his phone out and stared at it for some seconds. "May as well prolong my death, huh?"

It was better to cancel their reservations before talking with Gintoki, let him sleep a little more…

* * *

“Gintoki?” He opened the door slowly and quietly, only to find his lover peacefully sleeping in his stomach, a pillow over his head, and some soft breathing filling the room. “Are you awake?”

Only a grunt came from the half sleep man, and so he started walking slowly towards him, almost fearfully, but he had his reasons.

Once Gintoki heard what he had to tell him… He didn't know how he would react, but he knew well that Gintoki could be really scary once he set his mind to it.

“Is your body okay?”

He was only extending the inevitable.

“Not thanks to you.” Gintoki took the pillow off of his head and yawned. “Really, you shouldn't go so overboard, you know? It's not like I'm going to disappeared or something.” He chuckled as he rested his head in his hand, a really cute smile on his face.

And that only made his heart sting even more.

“I'm sorry…” He whispered as he sat down on the bed, right next to him.

"Hey, no need to be so down about it." He chuckled even more. "I'll take my revenge later, so you better be ready.”

“About that…” He took a second to get ready. “I have to go out…” And he kept on extending the inevitable.

“Oh? And when are you coming back?” His happy tone was no longer to be the seen. “We have the reservation at…” He stopped at mid-sentence. “No way, are you serious?”

He could only stay quiet and that was enough for Gintoki.

“You're serious, right? I fucking knew it.” It was the first time there was so much disgust in his voice, not even last year was like that. “Of course, what else was I expecting? You pulled this crap on me last year, why shouldn’t you do it this year as well.”

“I didn't…” But his sentence was soon cut off.

“That's why yesterday you were so overboard, right? So that I wouldn't complain today, right? Who knows how long have you planned this, huh?” He sighed. “I…I really should have seen it coming… You know… Sometimes I really wonder how important I am to you…” Surprisingly, he sounded more tired than angry.

“You know that…”

“Yeah, yeah, your damn idiotic boss is more important than me, I don't need you to tell me that... Even though he is married and doesn't need your babysitting, you still go following his damn ass as soon as he calls you. You… Are you really sure that you aren't in love with him instead of me?”

And that was it for him, the stuff he was saying, the despise that was in his voice, even what he was implying.

“Don't bring Kondo-san into this Gintoki.”

Funny how he was the one getting angry when he was the one at fault. For making his lover feel insecure, for choosing someone else over him, for not getting his feelings across correctly.

But he didn't stop to think about that, and later was going to be too late.

"So quick to defend him…" He didn't notice the hurt tone in his voice that was quickly covered by that annoyed tone of his. “My bad, I forgot that no one should mention a thing about your precious ‘Kondo-san’”

“Why the fuck do you have to bring him to this?!” He got up from the bed, his eyes glaring at his lover. “This is about us dammit, Kondo-san doesn't have anything to do with this!”

“But what is about us, is about him too, isn't that right?! Or what? Are you going to stay here with me and ditch him? You can't, right?”

“I don't have time for this shit.” He simply said as he started to walk to the door. “I really don't have the time to hear to your bullshit.”

“Knew it.”

And that was the last thing he heard Gintoki said before closing the door.

* * *

His phone kept on ringing and ringing, but he only hid his face even more in between his pillows, grunting softly every time the ringtone started once again.

It was obvious who was calling him, it was obvious why he was being so persistent in calling, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t answer that phone just to get even more insulted, he didn’t want to hear the same excuses as always, the same empty apologies that he always gave him.

He just wanted to sleep and forget that day.

But even then, that phone wouldn’t let him, all those things Toushiro told him in those messages, what they talk before he left.

When did his happy day turn into such a cold night?

He knew he was being a spoiled brat, that he was making a storm in a glass of water, but he had his reasons, right? He was tired, tired of everything, tired of how even if he has been by his side for all those 3 years they have been together, he was still so far away from Toushiro, hell, he was still in third place after Kondo and that job of his.

But he had to admit that he wasn’t even sure if he had that third place…

“I can’t…” He sighed and finally got up, his body became sore almost immediately, but he paid no attention to that pain—especially when his heart was hurting more than his body—and left his room, leaving his—still ringing—phone in the bed.

He really did plan what they were going to do that day, even if Toushiro was the one insisting that he was going to look for the hotel, for the restaurant, for everything else; he still got his hopes up.

He was going to get up first and make some nice breakfast—with all of Toushiro’s favorites—he was going to give him a present he bought some weeks ago, maybe they were even going to take a bath together afterward…

But he really didn’t even had the chance to do any of those, did he?

He couldn't even tell him anything, he couldn't even give him that damn present he spent so much time trying to get.

“Just where are we going like this…” How much he has been wondering that same thing for the past days. Sometimes he really wondered if he did the right thing by confessing back when he did. Maybe it would have been better if he just shut up and never told him about his feelings?

After all… How many times had they fought in those three years? More than he could remember, but what he did remember was that he was always the one backing out so that they could make up, he was always the one taking the initiative, he was the one moving their relationship forward, even they living together, wasn’t it because he was the one nagging Toushiro about it?

At the end of the day, wasn’t he the only one who was doing something for their relationship?

_It’s just me, huh?_ He chuckled as his eyes stared at the front door. _It has always been just me…_ He only needed to cross it. _Just how blind I have been?_ Cross it and free Toushiro from his selfishness, from that relationship that was going anywhere.

That was his answer, wasn’t it?

But just as he was walking to it, the door opened suddenly, letting a sweaty Toushiro inside, his clothes messy, same with his hair, and his face completely red.

"You!!" He screamed, but he could only stare silently at his lover at the door.

Why did he have to come in that moment?

"Why the hell aren't you answering your damn phone, you bastard?! I have been calling you nonstop you know?!" It didn't even take him more than three seconds before he started screaming.

If only he had just told him one of those empty apologies, one of those bad excuses, anything… Maybe things would have been different, maybe he would have just brushed it off as usual; maybe he wouldn’t have just left…

“Move.” He simply said as he grabbed his keys from the table and he started walking to the door.

"What?! What are you talking about? Where the hell, are you going?" He saw him throwing his sweater somewhere else as he started to go towards him. "Are you really running away now?!"

"Shut up." He didn't dare to look at Toushiro at the eyes, he really couldn't. Instead, he only kept on walking, feeling Toshiro's eyes over him, burning a hole through his head; but he didn't try to stop him from walking.

“Where are you going?” Something was different in the tone of his voice, but if he stopped now, neither of them would be able to be free.

"I want to break up with you." His hand was on the doorknob, but he didn't open the door, he waited some seconds, maybe hoping that Toushiro would stop him.

But he would never do that, just as how he never went after him whenever they fought.

It was only him the one that would go after Toshiro, it was only him… Only him…

“Do you…” Just as when he turning the knob to the side was when Toshiro finally spoke. “Do you regret going out with me? Do you really regret it?”

“Yes.”

And with that, he was gone.

* * *

He didn’t have a plan, he really didn’t even know where he wanted to go, or what he wanted to do, but for now, he only wanted to keep on walking those dark streets until his legs wouldn’t be able to move more.

Did he really do the right thing by breaking up with him like that? Without even talking with him, without even looking at him in at the eyes…

He wasn't even sure now, but by seeing how Toushiro didn't even bother to follow him, maybe it really was a good thing to do? At least that really show him how little he mattered to the one he thought was his lover, but it would have been nice if he could have known that way before when he still wasn't so invested in being with him when his day didn't revolve around him…

“Calm down Gintoki, calm down…” He kneeled down on the floor, his head hiding in his palms. “Just calm down…” He took deep breaths.

Things were really over this time, even more than that, he was the one ending everything, and so there was really no need to cry over the milk he spilled. He just needed to calm down and think of where to go.

"Just calm—" But he was cut off by a scream, a voice screaming at top of his lungs, a voice way too well…

He got up and stared at the end of the street behind him, the screaming was coming closer and closer, but maybe it was all in his imagination?

It had to be, after all, he has never followed him, no matter what, he has never followed him before, why would that time be different?

“Gintoki!” But there he was, standing at the end of the street, breathing with hardships, drops of sweat falling to the floor. “You…”

_Why?!_ Why did that time had to be different?

"Gintoki…" He started getting closer but soon stopped after a noise became louder and louder, metal against metal, almost as if something was giving up as if something was breaking.

By the time they both look up, it was too late.

Whatever it was, it was falling right to where he was, and he just couldn’t move, his legs weren’t responding, his whole brain wasn’t processing what was happening.

It all happened too fast, at one moment he was standing right at the place where those metal bars were going to fall, at the next one he was being pushed, at the next one, a screamed and the sound of the metal hitting the ground filled the air.

Then, there was nothing, the only silence between them.

He was on the floor, the metal bars were right in front of him, and puddle of blood was coming from underneath them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now it's oficial, only one chapter left to go!

_**After the End** _  
_**Part 3** _

* * *

That morning he woke up suddenly—just as how he has been waking up those past days—with sweat going down his face, his heart at his throat and those horrible pictures still playing in his mind as vivid as they were that day…

The puddle of blood coming down the metal bars, the sirens of the ambulance, his scream filling that quiet night.

He has been having those nightmares since that day, but ever since he started living in that old apartment, the nightmares got worse and worse, they were becoming more vivid, it took him more effort to wake up...

Ever since they started living together…

But if he had to be honest, that couldn't be called ‘living together'; for the whole week he has been staying there, he could count on one hand the times he has seen Toushiro, and the times he has talked with him were even less.

Every day he would wake up and leave before the sun would come out, and every day he would come back way too late, only to find a plate of food at the table waiting for him.

Sometimes Toshiro would manage to stay awake until he would come back, sometimes he would wake up earlier than usual, but even then, he would just grab his sweater and leave, ignoring whatever the other one was saying to him.

A part of him was just waiting for Toshiro to give up on him, to finally let him go…

_‘Do you regret it?’_

He sighed and sat on the couch, his hands rubbing his eyes, and cleaning his sweat.

If only Toshiro would give up soon… If only he could just leave…

But even if he was being cruel, horribly and disgustingly cruel, he was still attached to being there.

_‘Do you regret it?’_

And just like every day, he got up from the couch, grabbed the sweater at his side, his phone already in his pocket and walked to the door.

_Of course, I regret it._

But just what he was regretting?

Fighting that day? Leaving like he did? Going to that street thinking that he wouldn’t follow him? Going out with him in the first place? Or breaking up with him…?

He shook his head and his hand rolled the doorknob.

Again.

And again…

He raised an eyebrow as he stared the door silently. In the two years he has lived there it was the first time the door was locked…

Did he lock it without paying attention last night? He remembered well that when he opened the door without problems, and Toshiro was asleep too.

He had to admit it was weird coming from him, but he decided to pay no attention as his hand went to the table next to the door. Weird things could happen to anyone, right?

His hand touched the wood here and there, but the keys were nowhere to be seen; puzzled he turned back to see the little table, only to find it completely empty.

Did he really put his keys somewhere else? There was no way.

Anxiously, he turned around looking everywhere, until the sound of a door closing sent a chill down his spine.

In front of him was now Toshiro, his keys in his hands.

“Looking for something?” He smirked and swung the keys.

He was trapped.

* * *

He could only smirk even more at the simple sight of Gintoki being aware of what situation he was in.

For a whole week he has been running away from him, and finally, finally, he managed to stop him from running away! It wasn't the best way of getting him to talk with him, but he wouldn't complain if it gave him the results he wanted.

“This is not funny Hijikata.” He whispered, his red eyes totally glaring at him; he could tell he was completely pissed, but he was somehow glad.

That was the first time Gintoki spoke to him since the day they started living together—apart from the ‘good night’ or ‘I’m home’ he got out of him whenever they met. _If I knew this would be all that it took I would have done it sooner…_

“I’m not joking.” Still smiling, he went to the couch and sat down, his eyes focused on Gintoki, watching his every expression, analyzing the puzzled look he had in his eyes.

“Give me the keys.” And once again, he was the one avoiding his eyes. “Just what do you want from me?” He sighed, but he noted that his hand was still on the doorknob.

“I want to talk.”

That’s all he wanted, all that he was asking for, something as simple as that wouldn’t be so hard to do, right?

"I don't have anything to talk about. Why can't you understand that? I never knew, you from before, okay?” Their eyes finally met, his expression was a hurt one, but it wasn’t directed to him, it was as if he was looking at someone else, someone far away from there… “Hell, I don’t even know what the fuck is on your mind right now. Just give me the keys…”

He was desperate, but he couldn’t let him go, not now, not… Ever?

“But we lived together, right? There is something you have—”

“We broke up.” He interrupted. “We broke up a long time ago.” He repeated. “I can’t help you, so just go and ask your damn boss or something.”

And now he was the one with the puzzled expression. _Broke up…?_ That couldn’t be, right? The messages he read… The dates, the way they talked… That wasn’t how he would talk to someone that wasn’t his lover, wasn’t it? Did Gintoki toy with him? There was no way that they weren't together…

But how could he be sure about that?

“That… That’s not true.” He answered, hoping that Gintoki’s expression would tell him the truth. But it was more than he was putting all of his hopes that it wasn’t real, that was his only clue, the only person that could tell him what happened…

“Just why are you so hung up on me?” The footsteps coming near him brought him back to reality. “It doesn’t make any sense…” In the couch next to where he was, was now Gintoki.

“I…” He didn’t even know where to explain it…

He just wanted to know who he was before, who they were… Just what kind of person Gintoki saw in him because he was sure that when that man saw him; he wasn't the one he was seeing.

Those hurt expressions, those puzzled looks; neither of them wasn't meant to him.

“You don’t even know, do you?” He sighed. “Look, if I tell you what happened, will you let me go?” But he didn’t hear that last part.

Almost immediately his eyes locked with Gintoki’s eyes, hell, he was even sure that his eyes were all sparkly and shining. _What happened…_ Was he finally going to hear the truth? All those days waiting and now its time.

“Yes, tell me!”

Gintoki sighed once again, as his hand ran through his hair. “At least promise that you’re going to stay quiet until I finish, okay?”

And so he did.

He quietly listened to how they fought on his ‘last day’—even though Gintoki didn’t tell him what they fought about—how after he came back home they started fighting again, how Gintoki broke up with him, how he left the house…

By that point, Gintoki's voice was broken, and he could swear there were some tears in his eyes, but even if they were, he didn't manage to see them.

The man stopped for some seconds, before finally continuing with his story, how he went to some lonely street, how he followed him…

How those metal bars were aimed at Gintoki, but he pushed him away, taking his place.

“I was su-supposed to be the one dying there, you k-know?” His eyes were looking at the floor, and his voice was soft and broken. “But you…”

“So that is how it was…” He whispered lost in thought.

Sacrificing himself to save a person dear to him… He could really see himself doing that over and over again. _Seems like I didn’t change much, huh?_ It was a weird feeling, but he felt glad that something like that was the reason he lost his memories.

Such an unselfish act, almost as if he was a hero… It really made him glad.

“Sor-sorry…” Gintoki voice brought him back. “You must ha-hate me now, h-huh?” His face was now hiding in his hands, his voice even softer than before.

"Hate you?" He raised an eyebrow. If anything, the only thing he felt was as if a weight has been lifted off of his shoulder.

He finally got the answer he wanted the most, why would he hate Gintoki for it?

“We-well… It’s my fau-fault isn’t it?”

“It’s not.” He answered without thinking, he didn't need to think twice to know that answer.

“Wha—” He finally raised his head and their eyes met.  
“Well, I was the one pushing you because I wanted to, right?” Unless Gintoki was lying him, he could put his hand on the fire that they things he did, was because he wanted to. “I took your place because I wanted to save you. It’s not your fault that things ended like this. It’s not anyone fault.”

And that was it for Gintoki, tears started falling down his face one by one, and he froze as soon as he saw them.

“Y-you sure m-make thi-things ea-easy.” He said in between sobs while his hands failed to clean his tears.

“This is nothing to cry over, you idiot.” But he still got up and walked at his side, his hand started to pat his back softly. “Calm down.” He whispered, but his heart felt so tight, almost as if the sight of the man crying was making him feel worse.

“Sh-shut up, y-you bas-bastard.” The man laughed softly, and soon enough he was laughing too.

There wasn't hate in those words, there was no anger, only a little bit of sadness, but for him, it seemed as if right in front of him was the Gintoki he knew, and that maybe, he cared for, more than he had ever noticed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so this ends!
> 
> But seriously, writing end chapters are truly my worst enemy, you guys have no idea; but after some tries I managed to get this and I'm quite happy with how it turned out.  
> So maybe if you guys can be happy with it too, It'll really made my day!

_**After the end** _   
_**Part 4** _

* * *

 

After that weird moment, they shared ended in an awkward silence, they both left in opposite directions—one going outside, the other one going to their bedroom—and for a moment he really feared that their moment would end up just like that.

A moment they shared that was soon going to be forgotten just like many others.

For some days he really thought things weren't going to change after seeing how Gintoki—even though he looked lost in thought—was still ignoring him like before.

He really, really thought he had said something wrong the last time, that the little glimpse he saw of the Gintoki he knew was just a part of his imagination.

But soon, his disappointment quickly disappear.

* * *

He woke up earlier that day, surprised to find that Gintoki hasn't left their house, but that instead was taking a shower, even if he found it weird, he just went to the kitchen and hoped that maybe they would be able to eat breakfast together?

Even if he still didn't quite understand why he was so hung up on the idea of sharing more of his day with him.

“Morning.” He said as soon as he heard the man coming out of the bathroom, and he couldn't help but giving him a quick glance.

His messy hair wet, a white shirt tightening around his muscles, the fresh smell of the shampoo filling the room, and his face slightly blushed made it quite hard for him to stop looking.

But he did, and just in time to stop the fish from burning. _Shit!_ And now he was the one with his ears red

Almost burning his food because he was seeing another man? In another situation, he would laugh about it, but in that moment, the one chuckling was other.

It was only a little laugh, but it was enough to distract him from his cooking and to quickly turn back to look at him, only to find that Gintoki was avoiding his gaze.

He really couldn't get mad at the man, and instead, a little part of him thought that it was kind of cute?

"Morning." Gintoki stopped his thoughts from going far away.

“Do you want to eat with me?!” He asked, only so that he regret it seconds later.

Did he sound way to desperate?

But Gintoki didn't seem to notice his desperate tone, or if he did, he didn't show it; instead, he only looked at the door, and then he looked at him, only to repeat it some more times.

“It's okay if you don't-”

"I don't want to eat any burned ones, okay?" Gintoki interrupted him as he sat in the stall next to the bar in where he was cooking.

“I didn't burn any!” He tried to sound annoyed, but inside, he was smiling ear to ear.

Things were slowly changing.

* * *

The lonely meals he had in the hospital and later at his house, were slowly but steadily becoming something they shared with each other.

At first, it was only at breakfast, then lunch time and before knowing it, Gintoki would come back for dinner too—there were even some moments in where Gintoki was the one cooking for them.

They didn't talk much at the beginning, usually it was only simple stuff like asking for some salt or thinking the other for the food, but soon, they started some little chit-chat here and there, mostly it was about things that happened a long time ago, but Gintoki didn't seem to mind, he even seemed to be comfortable with the subject.

Little by little, he saw how Gintoki was slowly opening up to him, almost like a little cat, and he only found him cuter and cuter every day that passed.

The times the man left the house were becoming fewer, while the times they stayed watching some movies became more and more common.

He couldn't feel but to feel happier and happier about those changes, but at the same time, something was changing inside of him.

The times he found himself staring at the man became more common, most of the times he would stay quiet while eating just so he could stare at his expressions, how his mouth would slightly rise whenever he ate something he like, how he would silently push aside the things he didn't like hoping he wouldn't get caught.

How his heart started beating faster whenever the man came out of the shower with only a towel at his waist, how he couldn't help but follow the drops of water that were left, going down his chest until they got lost in his towel, but even then he wouldn't stop, he would keep staring, going down his legs, not failing to notice his muscles, until he finally got to his feet, then he would quickly turn to the side with his face burning a little.

He wasn't an idiot, he knew what he was starting to feel.

But he didn't want to give it a name until he was sure; sure that the one Gintoki was looking was him and not his other version.

Was that even possible though?

* * *

He wasn't one that liked sudden changes, the more stable the things could be, the better; but after losing five years of his life just like that… He was starting to accept sudden changes a lot more easily than before.

So when he found himself glaring at Gintoki like that, or when his heart started beating faster than usual; he simply accepted and tried to act normal.

When he discovered that whenever he touched the topic of how he was in the past or whenever he asked about it, Gintoki would get awfully awkward and quiet, he also accepted and stopped talking about it.

But there were some things that he couldn't just quietly accept and get used to it.

He definitely couldn't get used to seeing Gintoki walking around with just a towel—and not because he hated those moments, but hell, he was already having a hard time settling down those feelings that were growing inside of him, he didn't need the apple of temptation walking around like that!

But even more than that, he couldn't get used to the little moments in where Gintoki would open up with him all of the sudden and would come at him to have a small talk.

Just like a little and cute cat.

* * *

“Still watching that show?” That was one of those moments in where Gintoki would come at him by his own will. “Don't you get tired of it?” Just as if it was the most normal thing, he sat down next to him, the aroma of his shampoo quickly getting to his nose.

“Can't help it, I have a lot to catch up with.” He simply answered, but his eyes were already stealing some glances to the man next to him.

He quickly noticed that—once again—he didn't dry his hair, so the water drops were falling from the tips of his hair onto his shoulder, but some of them fell down his neck, slowly falling inside his shirt, and those, those were the ones he couldn't stop following.

_Since when I'm such a pervert?_ He coughed loudly and turn his gaze back to the screen in front of him. _I'm even worse than Kondo-san at this point, huh?_

“You okay?” Gintoki's concerned voice quickly arrived at his ears, and this time he had a reason to look at the other man without being more of a creep than what he already was. “Want some water?”

"Wh— No! I'm fine!" And he cursed himself immediately as soon as he saw Gintoki's puzzled face. "A-anyway… Didn't I told you to dry your hair?" Without even thinking, his hand was already reaching for the towel at Gintoki's shoulders.

And the man froze as soon as he touched the towel-and his shoulder.

“Sorry!” He quickly pulled away and put some distance in between them. _I'm an idiot!_ Even if Gintoki was opening up to him, getting close to him was off limits, that was one of the first things he silently accepted, and to think that he did it like that…

“No, it's okay.” Gintoki shook his head and took off the towel from his shoulders. “It just took me by surprise a little… Didn't think that you would like to dry the hair of another man.” He laughed awkwardly and passed him the towel.

_You shouldn't make my decisions… I'm way worse than you think._ But he stayed quiet and just grabbed the towel as Gintoki got up and sat down on the floor.

Carefully he started drying the hair, only to get some moments in where he managed to ruffle softly the hair with just his hands. _Just like a cat._

“You know…” Gintoki finally broke their silence. “I have been thinking about my moving out, remember?” His heart immediately froze. “Do you… Do you mind if I stay a while more?” He asked, softer than usual, his ears a little red.

He couldn't but to laugh a little. He was real, way too cute! "You can stay as much as you want. This is your house after all." He really could understand why his other version always found him cute. "But stop with walking around naked!" He laughed, soon followed by Gintoki.

“What? Don't you like what you see?” He joked, putting a fake flirty tone in his voice.

He really liked those carefree moments in where they would start to joke around really naturally as if all the crazy things that happened between each other were gone, it really gave him a huge comfort that nothing else gave him.

“I do.” He answered without thinking. _Shit!_

They both froze.

Damn him and damn his mouth!

“Hah…” Gintoki laughed awkwardly, but he stayed in place, his face getting more redder as the minutes passed; the only thing he wanted to do the most was to change the topic or to finish drying his hair—even if he really didn’t want to stop touching it.

But to his own bad luck, after that, they stayed in complete silence as he finished drying it, but so silent that he could swear he would be able to hear a needle falling to the floor.

* * *

"Gintoki?" He whispered as he benched down next to the sleeping man on the sofa. "Gintoki?"

After that awkward moment they had, the rest of the night went even more awkward—with both of them avoiding the other’s eyes, without talking much… It was a complete mess after he has gotten so far with the man.

And so, that took him to want to do something nice for the man, so that at least it would make things less awkward between them so that maybe it could make things go back to normal? If what they had day by day was normal, to begin with.

"You seriously have deep sleep, huh?" He kept on talking to the sleeping man, grateful that he—indeed—didn't wake up, or else things would have gone way more awkward between them. "You're not going to hate me once you get up, right?" And with that, he got up and took a deep breath.

For some weeks Gintoki has been sleeping on the uncomfortable couch and refusing to sleep on the bed no matter how many times he told him to switch, so that night he was going to make him sleep on their bed even if he had to carry him to it.

Though that was easier said than done…

He took another deep breath before grabbing the man by his waist and pulling him over his shoulder. _Sh—_

That was definitely one of his worst ideas.

But somehow he managed to walk—run, he really ran at his top speed—to their bedroom and carefully put him in before his arms gave up on the way.

_That was so damn close…_ Some more minutes and the man would have fallen down to the floor and things would have gotten way worse than what they already were… _Not again._ He sighed and put a cover over the sleeping man.

“How is it possible that you didn’t even wake up?” He whispered as he sat down on the bed next to him, his eyes staring at the sleeping man, how peaceful he seemed to be, how at ease he was.

Now that he has time to think about it, he could be sure that those feelings that were growing inside him didn’t start when they start living together.

They were older than that, probably to five years ago, or so he thought.

He could remember well how he would stare at the man whenever they met to drink, how he would look around hoping that they would meet by chance as usual.

_Maybe I have always felt something?_ A hand ran through his hair as he sighed, there were so many things going on, so many things he has refused to see before that he was now starting to see.

He was in love with the man.

Be it like, be it, love, ever since he woke up in that hospital bed, ever since he saw that picture with the two of them hugging; when he saw those messages… All that interested he showed in the man without even being sure of why.

Even if his brain has forgotten, his heart still remembered?

He chuckled softly; apart from being a creep, he was now being cheesy? Such a weird combo.

And what was worst on all that, was that he felt twice for the same stupid man.

“You…” His hand went to ruffle his silver hair. What was he supposed to do now? He was sure that the man was still in love with the other him. _Competing with myself..._ Just what kind of bad luck he had? Finally accepting the feeling he has been neglecting for years, only so that his rival would be himself. “Did you put a spell on me or something?”

“You’re so boring.” Gintoki finally said in between laughs. “All the trouble you went through only to say that?” He laughed even harder as he sat down on the bed, his red eyes almost sparkling under the light of the moon coming from the window. “I was totally expecting you to kiss me or something.” He even wiped some tears from his eyes.

"You!!! You were— Since when?!"

"Since when I was on the sofa. I don't have a deep sleep, you know?" He laughed a little more, but as soon as he tried to get up from the bed, he grabbed his arm, holding him in place. "Wh—"

“You… Who do you see when you see me?” He asked without stopping to think about the consequences. _Is now or never…_ Especially when he felt that the man might disappear one day when he wasn’t looking at him.

"Who do I see…?" He looked at him puzzled. "Well, I'm obviously seeing you? Who else? You are you…" He stopped all of the sudden, almost as if he finally understood what he was asking. "I…" He sighed and ruffled his hair. "I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen to it well, okay?" He nodded. "The one I see is the one in front of me now, not any other."

And he couldn't feel happier after hearing those words. _So I still have a chance, huh?_ “I see…” He smiled slightly as he turned to see the moon outside of the window.

"You sure are a weird man." Gintoki sighed, he could feel those red eyes on top of him. "Are you planning on letting my hand go?"

“You know…” He took a breath. “The moon is beautiful today, isn't it?” He said while his eyes were stealing a really subtle glance to the man. Did he got it…?

But his own thoughts were interrupted by the loud laugh of the other man. “You really are old fashioned aren't you?” He answered in between laughs. “You never cease to amaze me Hiji-”

“Toshiro.” He whispered, but the man only laughed louder.

“Really old fashioned.” He remarked.

And he could take it anymore, he left Gintoki's arm free and got up from the bed. He wasn't going to stay there to be laughed at! _Was it still too soon?_

But before he could leave, Gintoki quickly grab his hand, his fingers entangling with his. “The moon is really beautiful, Toshiro.” He chuckled a little before pulling him into a kiss.

And as he was returning the kiss, in his mind; he now had to admit that he loved changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (You guys may want to look up what 'the moon is beautiful, isn't it?' means just in case you don't know about it, I thought it would be really fitting for someone like Hijikata)
> 
> But anyway guys, I seriously can't thank you all for the reading this story until the end, and for the guys that left some comments (I remember all of your names!) you guys always made my days with those nice comments! I never really expected that so many nice people would read my story, and that even more, would enjoy it, so for you all, thank you so much!
> 
> This was a really fun ride that I never expected I would finish when I first started. I can't seriously thank you enough!
> 
> So even if this is my last story in this fandom, I hope I can see some of you somewhere else!


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